Why We Infiltrated & TOOK DOWN FLDS Polygamous Cult Leader (My Story) [47:19-52:21]

I went there thinking I would never, when I moved there, I thought the FLDS will never really talk to me or get to know me. I mean, there's a slight chance. But I thought I would be helping the people who had left the church because my recovery was so long and difficult. I felt like I could help them understand what happened to them. I had a plan to help the people who left. When I was able to make friends with some FLDS people and I realized that there were things going on that were not in the news, which I felt were unfair towards them. I just had this whole 180, like, no matter what they believe, they still deserve care. Like, when I was victim-shamed for what I had believed, I still deserved care and support. I didn't get it. The LDS church told me I couldn't even get food from the Bishop's storehouse because they don't help people like me because I had associated with the French phlegamy. I had a change of art and I said, I'm not going to do that to them. I am going to just meet people where they're at and not make it a goal to try to be sneaking people out against their parents' wishes. I just want to help people on their journey experience the least among trauma possible and to learn to think for themselves. Yeah, those were my goals. Wow. It's amazing how much a little bit of compassion can completely shift a perspective and also just humanization. I think that's something that is often missing, especially with documentaries and this one that trust me did a great job of humanizing the survivors and the people who were still in. But oftentimes, we get focused on the sensationalization of the people who have fallen victim to these groups and we forget that they're just human beings who, like you said, need support, need care. I'm wondering your mindset, your mentality, having to infiltrate for so many years with someone who, in my opinion, directly mirrored the person that you felt victim to, how are you processing that? How are you dealing with that mentally? That was really hard. That was really something that I had to battle. It was, I mean, sometimes I had flashbacks and Toga would know and my children would know and when I first got out of my devastating experience, I would do a lot of dissociating and my children learned to read me so quickly, Mom, what are you thinking about? Mom, anyway, come back. It took me a while to heal. So when I was doing this, it was incredibly hard for me because I didn't want to be the person who was portraying myself as somebody I wasn't because that even that triggered me. Being an authentic was, was, was help. I also knew that Sam Bateman was an F and Con artist, Secretary. And so I had a quite worrying about me. I had just did a job. One of the things that we talked about on the live yesterday with Amanda was, she asked me what the hardest part was watching that documentary and there were multiple parts where I wanted to just break down in tears. But the part where I actually screamed at the TV was the police officer who I felt was completely incompetent. And I would love to hear your thoughts because I know not everything makes the final edit. But when he said I didn't want to burden myself with listening to this evidence, I was like, are you effing kidding me? You don't want to burden yourself by doing your job. I just cannot imagine the feelings that you were feeling going through it. You said on the documentary, do I have to be in bed with him in order for anyone to do anything, especially with your past of being victim-shamed by law enforcement? How did you not just want to go over there and strangle them? Well, I didn't know he said that till I saw the dog is hearing, and I just felt a bit in my stomach like, wow, wow. I understood where I was coming from in that he's, you know, a certain religion that we were, and he don't want like dark things in your mind, right? And then in purity culture. I don't know Christine. I can't excuse it. I understand why, but that's not even close to a reason to not do your job that you signed up for.