Best of David Cross Comedy | Stand-Up Comedy Compilation [62:10-64:00]

contractions, coming quicker, quicker, and then she's about to get birth to the Son of God, and there's a little, it's a little commotion in there, and she's going to get birth. Joseph, it's time, it's time, and Jesus is coming in, and there's, but he's not coming out, he's not what's happening, because I can feel it, he's trying to get up, but he's not coming out, and here's what they leave out of the story, but when God implanted Mary with his come, he forgot to do something that's really integral to the whole process. He forgot to fuck Mary, so her hymen remained intact, so Jesus is ready to come out, but there's this wall of flesh, and he's like punching and kicking and screaming and clawing and scratching, and he can't do it, and it's traumatic. I mean, ask any Scientologist what happens in there, it'll scurry you for billions of lives, and I mean, it messed him up, it gave him a Messiah complex, and so Mary sussed out what was happening, said, Joseph, hang on, I'm going to get back on dickles, maybe take around triple speed, see if I get knocked this little fella out of there, and she did, she tore her hymen, came back, and then she laid down, and she started, she laid down, and she started to give birth to the Son of God, and then it's, here comes Jesus out of this massive Harry Bush, I mean, got a Jewish woman in biblical times, come on, it's a massive Harry Bush, and here comes Jesus, and he's covered in placenta, there's a little bit of blood, and there's shit too, because that's also part of the birthing process, when you give birth to the vaginal canal, you lose control of your bowel, and you're sphincter, and shit comes out, it happens, there's shit, so here comes the Lord and Savior of all mankind, just covered in shit, and they clean them off with some hay and some goat urine, and then