Best of David Cross Comedy | Stand-Up Comedy Compilation [57:05-62:10]

schools of prison, you know, right? It's constantly jerking off, right? Constantly, 14-year-old boys jerk off seven times a day minimum, all right? And Jesus is no different, and you know, they don't have nivvy back then, there was no lotion, so 14-year-old Jesus's dick looked like an overcooked hot dog that had been left in the rain for a week, and then discovered by a pack of rabid raccoons, but yeah, so we all know the story about the, you know, Immaculate Conception, right? That's heartwarming story where God implanted his seed into the Virgin Mary, right? So he could give us his son, right? God took his seed, his come, seed his come. That's what his seed is come, that's what he, so God took his come and he put it in the Virgin Mary, and here's the thing, here's the thing, he's everyone's God, everyone on the planet, he's everyone's God, so we had to figure out which come he was going to put into the Virgin Mary, because he's got literally thousands and thousands of different come, so we had to go, which come am I going to put inside the Virgin Mary? Should it be Indoation or Nordic or Mayan or Aboriginal or Nebibian or Incan or Arapaho or you know what, I'll go with you, Jews, Jews might, yeah, that's good come, that's good come, and then God took his come and he's God's way in the heavens, he's all the way in outer space and he had to take his come and send it right through all the different galaxies and solar systems, and it had to, he sent it all the way, but it always had to maintain an eternal temperature of 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit, right? Otherwise the come would have degraded, and so he had to like speed it up and slow it down, you know, and had to go through different galaxies and solar systems, it got to the Milky Way, and then it got found our solar system, you know, avoiding planets and moons and asteroids and space dust, and always again, maintaining an eternal temperature of 98.6 degrees Fahrenheit, they're getting too earth, and they go through all the different atmospheres, because God loves atmospheres, so he gave his whole bunch and he, it's got to go through the, um, the, uh, uh, exosphere and the thermosphere and the mesosphere and the stratosphere and into the troposphere, and then wait for the opportune time for Mary to go like this, and then, what? I'll put it what? And, because Mary is a human woman, she went through the nine-month gestation period, and where she grew Jesus, and, uh, um, and then God sent the angel Gabriel to Joseph and Mary to explain what was happening, and to say, you have to go to Bethlehem, okay? Uh, either to be counted for the census, or to not be counted for the census. It's a little vague, and historians aren't really sure of exactly what, but we need to get you for, for the sake of the story, we need to get you to Bethlehem, okay? It's called a writer's device, all right? So we need either to, for the census or to not be, it doesn't matter, you need to go to Bethlehem, and then, you know, uh, Gabriel went back up the chimney, and then Joseph, Joseph put Mary on, on their donkey, uh, dinkles, that was the name of the donkey. It's in the Bible, Joseph, Mary, and dinkles and donkey, they went to Bethlehem, and we all know this part of the story. They got to, uh, they got to the inn in Bethlehem, the inn singular, it was only one. They got to the inn, but there's no room at the inn, so they had to sleep in the manger. Here's a question, two thousand and twenty-three years ago. What was the difference between a room at the inn and the manger? There's no difference. There's no difference. You're still sleeping on hay next to a goat, you know? They act like it's an Airbnb where the Wi-Fi went out. No, it's I'm sure that when the innkeeper told Joseph, you'll have to sleep in the manger, there's like good, some fucking fresh air for once, you know? And so they got to the manger and they they laid down on the hay, and then Mary started going into labor. They started timing their