Best of David Cross Comedy | Stand-Up Comedy Compilation [28:03-33:03]

What is that? Oh, okay, false alarm. He'll be here. And it will be fun if he does come back because, you know, Rabbi Schneerson was a human being with no divine providence. He was just a human being. So all his flesh is rotted off his thing. So it would be... If he does come back, he's just a weird skeleton, you know, and people are like, Mosheak! Woo! Uh... What's the problem, Scott? It's skeleton. Um... But anyway, so the mitzvah tank rolls by. And what a mitzvah is, is a good deed. You're doing a good thing. It's sometimes they have to tank, and sometimes they'll dispense, they'll, they'll, uh, discord, different, uh, uh, Jews to go on the street corners and perform the mitzvahs, which is, uh, it's a good deed, and it's always the same thing. What they do is, and I've done this a couple of times, I've, uh, volunteered to, to let them do it on me, and, uh, uh, just to help a brother out, you know, and, uh, um... And what it is, they, uh, wrap the tophillin on you, which is the, there's like a prayer box, two prayer boxes, wood, and then there's leather strips. One goes on your, uh, your arm, and the other goes around the forehead, and then they, and then they rattle off this prayer, super quick, you know, because they're workin' on commission, they gotta in and out, in and out. Thank you for your time, both move, um, and, uh, and they do it every, for everyone they get, you know, they look up, and then God looks down, and he goes, all right, slow mo, very good for you, and high room good for you, very good, that's a lot of mitzvahs for you, very good, all right, you're gonna get an extra bean today. God is feeling so generous, all right, all the Jews get an extra bean tonight. Uh, you know, whatever, and, uh, um, so they do these things, and, uh, and I was, on my block, I was, I was, I was, this a couple of years ago, I had a stroller, my daughter was about, uh, two at the time, and, and I'm, I'm literally gonna cross street, on my street, to go, and be home. And, and I can see him, I see him, there's a, there's a, a gang, a gaggle of, you know, the most, intimidating gang, you can't imagine a, uh, Jews, and there's a couple of, uh, uh, all men, of course, because, uh, no girls allowed, you go home and make babies and make a soup, that's all you're good for, and, um, and, uh, and there's, you know, the headju, uh, which you can tell because he had the bigger, furrier hat, which, um, in Judaism, like, every single religion, the hierarchy is found in the hats, uh, whoever has the most conical, or the largest, or the floppiest, or the sataniest, or the furiest, and in Jews, it's furry, and it's round, and, um, that's the headju, and, and then, and the guy, poor kid with him, is just a Yamaka, aww, aww, it's like, rookie single-layball, and he's like, anyway, so, I know it's coming, so, I get to the corner, it's a red light, and the guy says, uh, excuse me, and, um, that is, that is funny. Um, uh, he did, he's exactly, he's like, excuse me, how you Jewish, and I say, uh, I mean, no, I was born Jewish, but I was very, I'm an atheist, and, uh, the whole time I'm saying it, I'm, even though I'm stumbling when I'm talking to him, I'm lucid, clear, not stumbling on any words inside my head, screaming at myself, one, what the fuck are you doing? Yeah. Why did you say anything? Why did you say anything? Oh, good. Good. Way to go. Way to fuck it. And, and so he's starting to talk to me about, uh, you know, helping mount the Jews and blah blah blah, and, and, uh, and, um, uh, and I'm just waiting for the light to change, and, you know, I'm like, come on, and, and I'm, I'm inching the stroller out into traffic, just inch by inch, you know, because they have to stop. You see a stroller, you gotta fucking put on the brakes and you have to stop. And also, let's, you know, it's not like the baby's head is right against the end of the thing. It's like a seven-inch buffer there. There's no, there's like, and there's padding and shit. There's not like, and even if it did hit it, I can catch a baby. She was too. I can catch a baby. So, I'm just, inching it out, inching it out, and then the light finally turns green, and he goes, uh, amongst all the stuff he goes, you know, uh, as your mother Jewish, and, you know, as I walk away, I go, yeah, she's Jewish, but I told you, I'm an atheist. And I walk, and I get halfway across the street, and he yells to me at my back, at this point, he yells,