Best of David Cross Comedy | Stand-Up Comedy Compilation [23:02-28:02]

Next morning, a couple in Florida murdered their twins. And I see this, like, you murdered a three-year-old? What the fuck is wrong with you? You don't have to murder a three-year-old. There's three. There's a million ways they can die. Just leave him at the top of the stairs and go do laundry. What are you thinking? You don't have to scream and yell when they're running into the media. And just like, Cody, stop. I mean, you're not thinking, right? Hey, kiddo. Hey, here's five inches of water. I'm going to go make some fish sticks. Oh, no. I'm free. You know, what the fuck? And now you're going to go to jail for a rest of your life. It's depressing. It's really disturbing and depressing. And also, you live in Florida. A failure yourself. So the service is there. Just be patient. You know, there's like a 32.6% chance. They'll be fine. They'll be fine. They'll be fine. They'll be fine. They'll be fine. You know, there's like a 32.6% chance. They'll be shot to death by the time they're in eighth grade. Come on now. Sir, what's your name? Jordan. Yes. Jordan, do you think when Lincoln started his Gettysburg address? Do you think there was somebody who was like, oh, dude, just say 87. What the fuck? Right? It's just pretentious, right? What the fuck is he? Why do I have to do the math? I mean... Yeah, yeah. Okay. One of the things I missed when I was gone, and I always miss it when I'm away from New York and is riding my bike, which I love, especially Brooklyn. I have been in Brooklyn for 10 years. I love riding my bike. I rode my bike here. I'm going to ride it home. It's the best. And almost all my shows are riding my bike. And I love riding through the Orthodox Jewish communities. That's the way to go through it. You know, walking... I don't know. You know. Walking like, get me the fuck out of here, but on a bike. You can zip through. And one thing you'll be riding through the Catholic communities, and I'll often see, there's... there'll be like a young wife who's attractive. You know? Like empirically attractive. And I know it's awake, but whatever. You know? But I always feel a little bit as sympathy because there's no male equivalent for those women in that community. None. There's no... I mean, like... like this would be a 10. I'd be a 10. I'd be like, oh, hot stuff. You know? I know there are actors who play Orthodox Jews that are attractive, but when you ride through or walk through, no, man. Sorry. Sorry. I know it's subjective, but that's... You know, let's... now it's subjective. Let's come on. I mean, hundreds and hundreds of years of inbreeding are going to give you a certain disadvantage. No, they're just... I feel bad. Like, oh, this... like the hottest guy is like... he's like a middle-aged Woody Allen. He's a young Harvey Weinstein. Oh, well... All right. Yeah. That's a good... Um... But they get the last laugh because they subjugate all their women. So... All right. So it's a win-win, right? But do you all know what the... you know what the Mitzvah Tank is? Okay. I can guarantee you a lot of folks watching this at home don't know what a Mitzvah Tank is. But I'm going to look in this camera. I'll tell you what a Mitzvah Tank is right now. We have a lot of them in Brooklyn. Mitzvah Tank, Orthodox community. They have this big RV, and there's several of them, and you'll hear them before you see them. You hear them like a block away. Um, with that kind of tinny radio shaggy. And, um, you know, fun songs in the Yiddish and Hebrew. And there's a big, huge picture of Rabbi Schneerson, the Messiah, Mosheak. And he's coming back any second. Mosheak is coming back. He's coming, hey! Keeps hold tight. And he's second now.