Pete Holmes | Silly Silly Fun Boy (Full Comedy Special) [45:51-50:53]

And if you don't believe in God, that makes perfect sense to me. That's a valid opinion. You don't even have to explain that to me. What makes no sense is if you believe in God, this timeless, boundless, eternal ground of all being, and you think that God is mad at you. Fucking get over yourself. What is this ego trip? Oh, I touched my wiener. He's after me now. Like, JK Rowling isn't mad at Harry Potter. Does that help that make sense? She's not like, he did what? Oh, I can't wait to torture this fucker in a furnace. That's insane. JK Rowling isn't mad at you. Even if some of us are pretty mad at JK Rowling. I just found out you poop your pants when you die. That really changed the John Wick movies for me. Get out of that room, Keanu. The fights over, seek fresh air. We're almost done, by the way. You're going to be farting in your car in, like, 10 minutes. And for some of you, that's going to be the best part of your night. You drove here alone. You're going to hear that car door seal. You're going to be like, blah, blah. It's going to be amazing. You could roll the window down, but you're like, no. I want to know myself, you know what I mean? You're lowering the resale value for some self-exploration. I love my wife very much. She's actually right there. She's right there. I talked to my wife just like I talked to my friends. I'll give you an example. We were talking about subway. Remember when we all loved subway? Don't leave me alone in this moment. Yeah, we liked it. We loved subway sandwiches. We were called there being online. It was a popular establishment. I used to fucking love subway sandwiches. I used to pull off the highway to eat at a subway sandwich. To eat what I thought was a health food. I was proud. I was like, I can't wait to tell my doctor I was good today. My doctor's like, your cholesterol's through the roof. I'm like, check it again, dipshit. I've been eating highway hoogies. It's like one day in the late 2010s, we all got a wireless transmission. It was like no more subway. And no more Dave Matthews. It was the same day. No more DMB, no more BMTs. It's over. Same day. It was a hard day for the whites. It was a rough one for the whites. When I was talking to Val about subway, I go, sweetheart, what was your sandwich? Mine was boring. It was a six inch turkey. What was yours? And Val goes, six inch meeple. Then I said, without fear or hesitation, ooh, the hungry girl's choice. Don't you back away. I fucking love my wife. You know I'm right. That is the hungry girl's choice. That is a low blood sugar sandwich. You don't eat a six inch meeple. You hunk it down. You have to unhinge your jaw like an anaconda and slide it in dry. You slide it in dry. You can see the outline of three meepalls going down your gullet like mice. It's too much meat. Not enough bread. It doesn't work from an engineering perspective. It's like three Wisconsin roundboys in a tiny canoe. It's going to tip. But here's my point. She wasn't mad. She laughed. We had sex later that day. Find a buddy. Right? And I love my wife for who she is on the inside. The outside gets you through the door. But 12 years together, you stick around for the inside. And I know people say that. They say that a lot. But I've really played it out like a thought experiment. Like if I woke up one morning and my wife, Val, was just magically a dude, I would roll with it. That's how you got to love your partner. You got to be willing to swap teams for your partner. This is going to lead to some uncomfortable car ride home for some of you.