Pete Holmes | Silly Silly Fun Boy (Full Comedy Special) [39:34-44:34]

I am not going to be cool about it. Some people are. Some people have glorious deaths. They're surrounded by their family on their bed. They're just like, it's been my privilege to love you. It just dissolve away. A breeze blows through the curtains and a candle goes out. You know what I mean? Not me. I'm going to be like, ah! It should be you! They're going to ask the nurse, what were his last words? Well, he screamed it should be you. And then he pointed directly at his wife. That's his legacy. One time it happened in a corn maze, that choking thing. I was following my daughter into a corn maze. I was in the center of the maze, took a bite out of a roll. I didn't know how long I was going to be in there. So I brought provisions. You know, you got a plan ahead. So I took a bite out of a roll in a corn maze. That was a risky move from me, seeing as I didn't have a gallon of water to wash it down with. And I chewed it, I chewed it. But it wasn't 100% liquid, so it was still in the danger zone for old peaty. Swallowed, it stops right here. I think I'm going to die. Suddenly I'm like the blonde woman in the first Matrix movie. I'm like... I'm not like this, you know what I mean? If you're laughing, you're 40. I'm not like this. I can't die in a corn maze. I can't have the paramedics entering a corn maze. Like, follow one wall, you know what I mean? Getting slowed down, answering riddles from a minotaur, while I drain out. So you know what I did? I just realized I was in a corn maze. That's the best kind of maze to choke in. So I just broke down three walls of the maze, like the Kool-Aid man. Got on the outside perimeter, got on my knees, and hocked it up like a seagull eating bad shellfish. And I'm like, BAAA! BAAA! My daughter's there with a pinwheel, like, BAAA! I kept yelling, I'm OK, but no one was checking. That's a lonely feeling. You're like, I'm all right. They're like, we didn't care. We just thought you were in your 40s and you ate something dry. At the end of the day, I think dying is going to be a lot like pooping your pants or a car. It sucks if you resist it. Does that... Like, it's your resistance that creates the suffering. Like, your five blocks from your house so you're clenching, you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can make it, I can make it, I can make it! But as soon as it's inevitable and you just surrender, you're just like, BAAA! Oh, sweet release! Why was I afraid of this? Is it the best day of my life? That's what I think death is going to be like. I'd be remiss if I didn't do one joke about God. I like to do jokes about God. Yeah, thank you. My mom wanted me to be a youth pastor and when I became a comedian, she said, close enough. So, do a joke about God. I believe in God, but it's tricky. It's tricky to do jokes about God because a lot of people don't believe in God. So you start talking about God, they get bored. You might as well be talking about a unicorn. Then there are a lot of people who do believe in God. They get tense. They're like, this motherfucker better not make fun of my unicorn. You know what I mean? So that's just a fancy way of saying this next part is just for me. I believe in God. I just don't think God cares that I believe in God. I think that's a weird thing that we made up. The God is up there like, they don't believe in me. Didn't they see all the rainbows? What kind of candy-ass God? Is up there like, if they don't believe in me, my powers won't work. That's not God. That's Santa, bitch. You know what I mean? That's a disservice to God. But all my friends are comedians, which is just a fancy way of saying, all my friends are atheists. So they make fun of me. They say, Pete, there's no evidence for God here. There's no evidence. This is the phenomenon inside the phenomenon. You know what I mean?