Pete Holmes | Silly Silly Fun Boy (Full Comedy Special) [28:26-32:52]

I'm not even making fun of it. I like it. I just wish my daughter knew how much better she has it than we had it. You know what I mean? Like, I don't want to tell her. But I want someone to tell her. You know what I'm saying? Like, I sometimes fantasize like a portal could open up and like a ghost could come out. Like a Charles Dickens. Like a friendly ghost with a top hat. She could come out and whisk my daughter away and take her to a scene from my childhood so she could compare. You know what I mean? Like a Christmas carer. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'll give an example. I was giving my daughter, Lila. Her name is Lila. I was giving Lila a piggyback. And she's tall like her dad. So I'm feeling her on there. And then she let go with her legs. But she held on with her hands. And she got me on an exhale. So it was dire. She doesn't know how the human body works. So she's laughing. I'm tapping. Trying to tap out. She doesn't know what the fuck that means. She's not a Rogan fan. We're raising her right. You know what I mean? So I had to break her grip. I broke her grip. She lands on her feet. I turn around and she's sad. And then Portland, I apologized. And I meant it. I was like, oh baby, you wanted to choke daddy? I'm sorry. I couldn't provide that experience for you today. And it's moments like that that I wish the portal would open up. And the ghost would come out and take my daughter's hand. Like, come child, I'll take you to a moment in Peter's childhood when his father apologized to him. And they go in the portal. And it's just perfect darkness and silence. My daughter's like, but spirit, there's nothing here. And he's like, exactly. Yeah. Whenever I've wanted my dad to apologize to me for hurting my feelings, I always just end up apologizing to him for having hurt feelings. And that's not a big laugh line. But if you go home feeling a little bit less alone, that's also my job. You know what I mean? Sure. And then a portal opens and a ghost takes me to my dad's childhood. He's six years old. He already has two full-time jobs. He's eating a broken glass sandwich. I'm like, oh, sorry, sir. Yep. We all have our reasons, don't we? Love you, pop. Love you. You know what I wasn't ready for as a dad? There's this weird phenomenon. How much more you love your kids than other people's kids? And I know. I know. That's not a polite thing to say. But if we can't talk here, you know what I mean? Let's talk here. It's a real phenomenon. I love all children. But I love my baby girl so much more. You can't help it. Like, I'll give you an example. I'm not proud of this story. But I'm also not ashamed of it. You know what I mean? Like, we were at a birthday party. It was in a park. My daughter was three years old at the time. And there was a carousel. She had never seen a carousel in her life. She was transfixed. She lit up. And I went up to her and I said, baby, I promise. We're going to ride that carousel, you and me. Before the day is done, we're going to ride the carousel together. She smiled at warm my heart. That's a sacred thing. That's a daddy-daughter promise. You don't mess around with that. A couple hours later, a friend of mine who knows I made that promise comes running up to me. He goes, Pete, it's the last carousel ride of the day. So I scooped Leila up and I ran as fast as I could across the field towards the carousel. We got there just in time. We got in line. At that very moment, my friend Scott. That's his real name. That's an unnecessary betrayal. My friend Scott runs up to me. He's white as a ghost. He's out of breath. He goes, Pete. Have you seen River? I can't find River. You couldn't find his kid.