Pete Holmes | Silly Silly Fun Boy (Full Comedy Special) [20:57-22:43]

Oh, King of Kings. Now, Portland, I didn't fly all the way here to lie to you tonight. My dad had donkey-dick the screen so many times that he had swapped from Uber to Uber Eats. That's only one donkey-dick. He was on the checkout page and there were 36 steamed vegetable dumplings in his cart. From a nearby Chinese restaurant and one more donkey-dick they would have been on their way delivered to the Italian restaurant we were currently eating at. 36. My dad does not want 36 steamed vegetable dumplings. None of our dads do. But my father is a proud man. He's never admitted to a mistake in his life. In front of his family, what are you nuts? So part of me wishes he had donkey-dick the order button just so I could have watched him fake it. So a guy walks in with a brown paper bag. My dad would have been like, oh, good! The appetizer's here! As I destined, he would have ripped open the bag, pretended to not be shocked that it's three dozen steamed vegetable dumplings. And he would have dipped those shits in marinara with unbreaking eye contact. Just like, I've never made an error, Peter. Never not once. Now, let's all eat my mistake as is our family's agreement.