Pete Holmes | Silly Silly Fun Boy (Full Comedy Special) [17:11-20:54]

I just got fired. You know what I mean? That's not. That's not how the human animal was born. That's how the human animal was designed to get bad news. It's our phones, man. You know what doesn't help? Maybe you have a friend like this. Every single time my wife looks at her phone. I'm not joking. Every time she checks her phone, she goes like this. She goes, oh no. Oh. And I'm a big guy. But I got, I scare easy. You know what I mean? I got the temperament of a Victorian nanny. Like heavens, you know what I mean? I clutch my pearls. I cinch my robe. And I'm always like, what? What do you see in the Oracle woman? What do the black mirror show you? She's like, one of the actors from bones isn't returning to the show. I'm like, god damn it. Don't do that to me. Technology is a trip, man. Like, I don't work in an office, obviously. But people that do you guys have your own little secret email language, don't you? There are all these acronyms I didn't know. Like end of day. That's E-O-G. I didn't know that. Nobody tells you that. My favorite is out of office. Because it's just three O's. But I didn't know. So the first time I got an email, they were like, so sorry for the delay, Peter. I've been a little woo-hoo. What? What does that mean? Sorry for the delay, Peter. I've been a little woo-hoo. Like, you're all dolled up. I'm 34th Street, waving a hanky at the boys. That's why the email was late. Twirling a decorative paper umbrella with white gloves on? I don't understand. It's fine. You've been a little woo-hoo. I've been a little... It's fine. Take your time. Take your time. My dad just got his first iPhone. He went from landline to iPhone. 80 years old. Yeah, no. That's not a dad. I want you in a swivel chair at a desk writing a check, landline tucked under your chin. That's a fucking dad. I don't want to see you like this scared of Shazam. I don't want to see that. We were having dinner at an Italian restaurant. We got there first. Me, my wife, and my daughter. We got there first. And I watched my dad walking in, and he's mashing his iPhone with his huge, thick, Boston dad fingers. Whatever you're picturing for digit girth. Quit droop with it. My dad... My dad's got like five floppy donkey decks on each mint. He's blindly donkey-dicking the screen with his thick donkey-dick thumb. I know he can't see it. It's down here. He's just mashing it. I go, Dad, what are you doing? He goes, I'm trying to tip the Uber driver, Peter. It's a perfect impression. Because I'm trying to tip the Uber driver. I go, give me the fucking phone. I didn't say that. I'm terrified of my dad. I was like, perhaps I could help you, Papa.