Pete Holmes | Silly Silly Fun Boy (Full Comedy Special) [12:11-17:11]

I was like, you could have brought it. We told you what happened. You could have brought it. And I was laying there. And I was really worried I was going to die. But I was equally worried that I'm a comedian. And I grew up in the 90s playing video games. And I'm a silly, silly fun boy. So I knew, yeah. So I knew there was a real risk that I'd have like a dumb death. Like a stupid death. Like I'd be fading out. And I'd just look at my wife and be like, Scorpion wins. You know what I mean? Like a dumb joke. As I'm passing away, you're like, fatality. It is a fatality. And I guy, I can't have my last meal be ants. There's no 13th floor in my hotel in Mexico. No 13th floor in my hotel here in town. Isn't that weird? I think it's crazy in this day and age. We still skip the 13th floor because it's a non-alucky floor. Same with hospitals. There's no room 13. Same with airplanes. There's no 13th row. Isn't that nuts? I think it's weird. I know people that complain that transgender people relax. You're going to like it. Look at my friendly open face. We're going to safe pastures. You're going to like this one. I think it's funny. I know people that complain that transgender people make up such a small percentage of the population, but they get special treatment. But I know a lot of transgender people. I don't know a single person who's afraid to stay on the 13th floor of a hotel. And we've been bending over backwards for these psychos for hundreds of years. Is this a big problem? A lot of time traveling pilgrims staying at the best Western? Like we have you on the 13th floor. Oh, hell may you do. That's the Lucifer level. So you see in the elevator, if you look at the buttons, it goes 12-14. You realize if it goes 12-14, the 14th floor is the 13th floor. It just identifies as the 14th floor. And we're all totally fine with it, see? We'll get there. I've noticed that the people that have the hardest time changing people's pronouns based on their gender identities, the people that struggle with that the most are the same people that get really mad if you call their truck a car. It's just an observation. It's the same group. Like, let's take your car. It's a truck. Okay, Jesus Christ. Just saw a windshield and four tires. I just assumed. Oh, no, I got to remember that to make you feel safe. Fuck you, Chad. Do you know what I mean? Is that? It's a truck. And it's a he, him. Look, I put a ball sack on the hitch. I've misgendered people in my life. It's a terrible feeling. That's not a joke. It's horrible. I hate it. So I have a new rule. If I don't know you, I don't care how you present. I don't call anyone sir or ma'am. I just call everyone my friend. If I don't know you, just call you my friend. It hasn't happened since. It's nice. It works. Yeah. The only problem is now I sound like a Saudi Arabian car dealer. My friend, my friend, my friend. Good car. White BMW. My friend. It's funny because some of you clap. It's funny. Lifting up one group pushing down another for no reason. I don't know why. It's comedy. It's the best we can do. Oh, it's good to hear you laugh. I'm like your dad. It's good to hear you laugh. Let it out. I need this. I need this so bad. Modern life is too stressful. Yeah, right. And you know what it is. It's our phones. That's not a new theory. It's our fucking phones. We shouldn't have these things. They're like crystal balls. We keep in our pocket that can tell you anything at any time. Local news, world news, news from your life. And you look at it, what? 30,000 times a day. No wonder you're a bit on edge. The human animal wasn't designed to be taking a dump. Like, ugh.