Pete Holmes | Silly Silly Fun Boy (Full Comedy Special) [7:10-12:11]

But I didn't know how far back I had to take that. They're like, these are ants. I'm like, I also don't eat loose nickels or urinal cakes. Just to be crystal clear. Now that I see what you're capable of. And if you guys were me and my wife, the chef was standing right there. So we felt like we had to eat them. You know, we didn't want to be ugly Americans. So I got a mouth full of bugs. I'm pretending it's not ants, but the chef wouldn't let us forget that it was ants. He kept telling us he was like, they're big and juicy and we cut off their heads in the rain. And I'm like, ah, say less. You know what I mean? Like, I don't want to be culturally insensitive but everybody knows eating ants is weird. You know what I know? The whole planet agrees to call one of our animals, the ant eater. Have you seen that thing? It's like a load of the ground hairy elephant. That's probably what we were going to call it. And someone was like, hold up. Check out what this freaky bitch is eating. You know what I mean? It's diet as the headlining oddity. And it was an ant and clam taco. That's correct. That's the correct response. Ant and clam. I've never eaten something and looked for refuge in the flavor of clam. Got a mouth full of carpenters. I'm like, look for the clam. Clam will save us from this zinke nightmare. Clam, the condom of the ocean. King Neptune's chewy prophylactic. I'm like, it's our only hope. Same night, my first night in Mexico, I got stung by a scorpion. Yeah, big bug day. It was in my bed. Isn't that freaky? It was in the bed. Yeah, it didn't hurt. It didn't hurt. It just felt scratchy. I was asleep. I remember thinking, what's the thread count of these sheets? I whip open the covers. I get my flashlight out. There's a dead scorpion in the bed. Yeah, got him. That's a weird feeling. Coursing with scorpion venom. I'm like, I got to wake up Val. I got to wake up my wife, because I don't know if I'm going to be around. That's a weird consideration when you're like, I'm about to be playing the part of the body. So let's get someone else in this narrative. So I used my big boy voice. I didn't know I had a big boy voice. I found it in a crisis. I talked to my wife real sweet. That morning I was like, Valerie, I've been attacked. She's like, she woke up straight away. I went out on the balcony. It got me four times on the ankle. Yeah, good empathy. So I elevated it. That was my idea. I didn't know what else to do. I didn't know if that was helping or just draining the poison straight to my cortisol. And my wife is a really sweet, non-confrontational person. Even in an emergency, it turns out. Because I'm out there elevating it. I can hear on the phone with the front desk. I'm not making this up. She's like, hi. Buenos dias, Buenos dias. Yes, it is a beautiful day here in Mexico. No, you go. You go. Okay, I'll go. What if it's his dying? He was like, he sent a doctor right away. I was like, how often does this happen? He came out onto the balcony. He didn't speak any English. I speak a little bit of Spanish. I'm not making this up. I go, cuantos minutos, yotengo. Cuantos minutos, parillo. Esa hora y el tiempo para audio siempre. El grande sueño para mí. He didn't speak any English. He had a real thick accent. I'm not going to do his accent. Nice try. You're not taking me down for a questionable voice. But you know what he sounded like. I'll tell you what he said. You can add it up here. You can't get canceled up here. And you know what he sounded like. You racist fucks. You know just what he sounded like. He goes, in 24, I'm kind of doing it. I don't know why. He goes in 24 hours. You will be dead. That's what he said. Stay thirsty, my friends. That's what he said. And they got in their golf court. They sailed off. They said they had to get the anti-venom shot.