Pete Holmes | Silly Silly Fun Boy (Full Comedy Special) [2:10-7:10]

Got it. Second one is makeup. That's bullshit. Makeup comes with a little brush. I have a wife. Third one is babies. Crafts. Does anyone know the last one? My man. Keyboards. You've been bored in the bathroom as well. Cleaning keyboards. What kind of gaslighting horseshit is this? They have the fucking balls to look us in the eye and be like, dirty keyboard at home. You know what we're doing. You know. You lie in cocks. You know. You know they have their quarterly meetings and they're like, another successful year of keeping keyboards clean. When they close the blinds, they're like, no, for the devil's business. They puff it up like a cloud and stick it in and rotate. Hit that eardg spot. We all have. The one we all have. That makes your legs start shaking like a dog or scratch and just right. But some ding-dong customer in the 70s went too deep, touched his brain. Now they can't say it for legal reasons because that dude tastes fear and hears color now. Ruined it for the rest of us. Keyboard cleaning. That's like McDonald's being like, you've been eating it? Those aren't cheeseburgers. Those are small wet pillows for dogs. If you're dumb enough to eat a small wet dog pillow what happens to your body is on you. Check the box. It can be the people that make you take your shoes off before you come in their house, just fucking cut it out. This one always divides the room. Hear me out. Hear me out. Just give me a chance. The people that make you take your shoes off, here's my message to you. Give up. The world is filthy. You're gonna die. You can't stop it. You can't stop it with your little policy. Oh, you have a policy? I have a policy. Each shed. That's my policy. I'm sorry, I can wear shoes at the Vatican but not these hallowed grounds I am. That's how you want to start the hang. You're gonna invite your friends over. You want to start the hang with a humiliation. You're gonna make me slide these two stinky pigs out in front of my wife. You're gonna embarrass me in front of my wife, leaving wet sock prints on your linoleum. You want to humiliate me? That's how you host your friends. You fucking twacked. And houses that make you take your shoes off. They always have a dog. Which is it, dipshit? We keeping it clean in here. We letting wolves just walk in, Scott Frey. Because we all watch your dog take a shaky leg loose stool diarrhea dump on your front lawn. He didn't wipe. Dogs don't wipe. And he just walked in, Scott Frey. He walked right past my shoes that you made me take off. And now he's dragging his ass on your carpet. Makes me think he has some unfinished business. I think the area has been compromised. So can I put my Nike's back on my feeder cold? Or you can wrap that bitch in cellophane? Here's my favorite part of that joke. I know a lot of you disagreed. And you put that to one side. You vacationed in my perspective. That's beautiful. That's the kind of subtlety we need. Beautiful humans that were like, ha ha! Take them off. You know what I mean? We need more of that. I was just in Mexico. Yeah. I ate ants. Yeah. The insects, not lady uncles. It was at a restaurant. I wasn't just bored at a picnic. Two hotlines, guys, back to back. That's two hotlines. And it was a prefix menu. Like you don't order. They were just bringing us tacos. First course was chicken tacos. It's a crowd pleaser. Second course, they're like, these are ant tacos. I'm like, what is happening right now? Before the meal, they asked us if we had any allergies or food restrictions.